the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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