two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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