i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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