she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
