I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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