don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
