I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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