I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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