I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
