I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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