I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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