just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
he high fived his dick after we had sex
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
