Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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