Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
