My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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