They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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