sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
