this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
