this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
