threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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