One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
