i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
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