Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
