The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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