So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
