So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
