A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
