I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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