when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
