I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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