Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
