peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
