I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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