You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
