She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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