Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
