Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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