I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
