My Higher Power is John Stamos
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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