So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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