Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
