all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
