Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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