Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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