we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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