I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
