I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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