I wish my penis had an off switch
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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