even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
