I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
