How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
