now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
