omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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