If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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